As time goes on in a relationship we tend to become a fair-weather friend… so long as we are sweet, loving and in a good mood, our partners are there for us.  However, when we are not, they sometimes turn their backs and walk away or become defensive.  As long as our partners are nice and happy, we love back.

We need to remember and accept our own and our partners humanity. . . your allowed to stumble, to make mistakes, to make the wrong decision from time to time and be forgiven for them.

No one can mind read.  We need to talk to our partners, tell them what we are thinking, how we are feeling and what we want or don’t want.

Understand that we are SO VERY different.  We communicate differently, we think and feel differently, we perceive, react and respond differently and we love, need and appreciate differently.

A woman and a man can say the exact same thing, but it can have totally different meanings.  It is then, that miscommunication occurs. We tend to think  “If I said that that, this is what it would mean so that’s what he/she must mean too”  This is a common mistake men and women make.

We tend to have high and unrealistic expectations of our partners that we wouldn’t dream of expecting from others.  Be happy with yourself.  The flow on effect of our own low self-esteem or other personal issues that we are not coping with can have a big impact on your partner and on the relationship.

To quote Dr John Gray in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, “We really do speak different languages and need different things in the same situation”

We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves.  We desire them to want what we want and feel the way we feel and we mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways (the way we would).  This sets us up for disappointment again and again.

For example, men tend to pull away and silently think about what is bothering them but women feel an instinctive need to talk about their problems.  This is totally ok and very normal and is a difference that we need to understand and respect. 

SAY SORRY: A simple sincere and heartfelt apology can do wonders for a relationship.   Say things like: I’m sorry; I apologise;  What I did/said was really unfair; I don’t know what got into me.

SHARE FEELINGS: Be honest and share the feelings that are underneath the anger such as fear, embarrassment or insecurity. Your partner may respond to you quite differently if they see those other emotions, instead of just the anger. 

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PARTNERS POINT OF VIEW:   This doesn’t mean you have to agree with it; just acknowledging it can decrease tension and conflict because it shows your partner you are at least listening to them. It also demonstrates empathy — the ability to see things from their vantage point instead of only yours.    Say things like: I can see what you mean; I never looked at it that way.

ACCEPT SOME RESPONSIBILITY: Very few conflicts are 100% the fault of either partner. Instead, most conflicts are like a dance with both of you making moves to contribute to the problem. Inability to accept any responsibility is a sign of defensiveness rather than the openness required for good communication.   Say things like: I shouldn't’ have done what I did; I guess we both blew it; I can understand why you reacted to me that way.

FIND COMMON GROUND: Focus on the issue at hand and what you have in common rather than your differences. For instance, you might both agree that raising healthy children is a common goal even though you differ in parenting styles.  Say things like: We seem to both have the same goal here; we don’t agree on methods but we both want the same outcome.

COMMIT TO IMPROVE BEHAVIOUR: “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it if you continually repeat the offensive behavior. Backup words with action. Show concrete evidence that you will try to change. Say things like: I promise to get up a half an hour earlier from now on; I’ll call if I’m going to be late; I’ll only have two drinks at the party and then stop.